Ian Holloway Column

The crazy Leicester gaffer currently wries a weekly column for BBC sport read it here!

Last weeks:

This week he talks about his team's continued struggle in the Championship and the renewed hope the January transfer window will bring.

He also reveals what he will be up to over the festive period, his foolproof plan for Christmas shopping and the plight of the poor turkey.

LEICESTER ON A BAD RUN

We're on the crest of a slump at the moment and I'm expecting a different attitude, a different work ethic.

We play Wolves on Saturday in the televised game. You know what it's like on the telly - everybody does their hair and they get a bit of a lift. We're up against one of the most enthusiastic teams in the division. Mick McCarthy's done a fantastic job and I'm in a similar situation to the one he was in.

Ian Holloway
Now what shall I do with my hair?

He inherited a load of overpaid players and he's brought in some fresh, hungry, enthusiastic players that have lifted the whole club, but he's a long way ahead of me.

I'm still unbelievably upbeat and positive about where this club will be in a year's time. It's tough at the moment but we've got to get a tin hat on, we've got to dig in and we've got to scrap.

ACTIVITY IN THE JANUARY WINDOW?

I expect there will be. I've lifted a couple of kids from our academy and I've told about eight players that I don't want them and sent them away for Christmas.

I won't be spending much time with my family until after the transfer window unfortunately. My poor wife understands that.

I'm talking to my chief scout, Gary Penrice, more than I am to her at the moment. He's been staying over at my house and we're working our socks off to get some players that Leicester City fans will be very, very proud of.

Gary Penrice in his playing days
Move over, Mrs H, there's a new man in town

I might have Christmas Day off after we've done training in the morning but I've never looked forward to four games over the Christmas period so much in my life.

The overall picture doesn't look good but we can do things in the window. How many other clubs down there can do that?

ALL THE BEST TO PLYMOUTH

What I will say is that Plymouth backed me to the hilt and broke their transfer record three times for me last season.

The higher they get in the table, the better I feel about it. But Colchester finished two points above Argyle last season - and look what happened to them last summer. They lost seven players.

I was worried that might happen to Plymouth with only 11,000 gates. Because the better your players play, the more admirers they're going to get and all of a sudden the sharks come swimming.

Paul Sturrock
Just the man for the job

Nothing fills me with more pride than when I see Plymouth beating Watford away - fantastic, they deserve it. Every player plays for that club with so much pride and passion and I hope they get to the Premier League.

There's been an awful lot of horrible things said, an awful lot of untruths spoken, but I'm at Leicester now and I'd like to think the Plymouth fans might wish me well, although I don't think they will.

I left them with probably the best team they've ever had and now they've got a great manager in Paul Sturrock, who's a top bloke, and I wish them all the best.

CHRISTMAS IN THE NEW HOUSE

This is the third Christmas in a row I'll be in a different house. I've had four houses in the last 18 months.

We were shopping the other day and my wife thought 'that's nice but where will I put it?' - she couldn't remember what our rooms looked like, which is a bit worrying!

But we moved into our new house on the Sunday and had the Christmas tree up by the Monday (Dec 3), which isn't bad going. To be fair, it's been the busiest month of my life and the next two months will be really busy, then hopefully it will settle down a bit

PUNTER'S QUESTION

Sabretooth: "Hi Ollie. Being the father of deaf children, perhaps you can help me out. I'm 21 years old, and I've been getting to know a really nice girl recently. She's sport-mad and we are really into each other. But she's also deaf and I really want to take the relationship further. I'm learning the sign language slowly, but I was wondering if you can give me some ideas for a Christmas present and on how to ask her out?"

Well, not knowing the girl I haven't got a clue about a Christmas present. I've lived with my wife for 20-odd years and I still don't know what to get her!

But it's brilliant that you've met someone. To me it doesn't matter whether you've lost a sense or not - they're still human beings underneath.

Until you learn the language you have to be very visual, smile a lot, be very expressive and you'll get over things. Deaf people are unbelievably receptive to anyone who wants to try and talk to them.

You have to be subtle with your touch when you want to get their attention - just touch them on the outside of their upper arm, otherwise you can jolt them.

And you have to turn the lights on and off if you're in a room to get their attention, or you can bang the floor with your foot so they pick up on the vibration.

But what a wonderful thing for you to want to learn sign language because you've met a wonderful person. I'm proud of you, son.

PUNTER'S QUESTION II

Jonwollufs: "Hi Ollie. After saying you hadn't had time to think about Xmas shopping last week, I saw you Xmas shopping in Loughborough. Would you like to share with us what you had in your bags?"

My poor wife didn't know where she was, she forgot what house we were in and has never liked the worry of Christmas because I've always been too busy and left it to her.

So we sat down, before you saw me, had a cup of coffee, and I made a list of all the people we needed to buy for.

I decided on three shops where I could buy something for everybody - now that's planning!

Unfortunately Loughborough only had one of the shops, so we did a third of it there, then went to Leicester the following day and went to the other two shops. Job done, cash back, back of the net!!!

Alan Partridge
You nicking my sayings again, Holloway?

Now I just need to get in a couple of strikers for Leicester. We're joint-bottom as far as goals scored are concerned and you haven't got to be a genius to work it out.

Get some strikers, get some widemen to create the chances and Leicester will be climbing the table. End of story. And that's the same principle with which I do my Chrismtas shopping.


PUNTER'S QUESTION III

Kernowking: "What's your favourite Christmas carol?"

I don't know if I've got a favourite carol. Good King Wenceslas is probably the one I know best - although I can't spell it!

As for Christmas songs, I like Slade's Merry Christmas - Noddy Holder, he's got some enthusiasm that bloke - and Wizzard was good as well, I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday.

And there's that Chris Rea one - Driving Home For Christmas - times I've had to do that.

Slade's Noddy Holder
It's Crissssss-massss!!!

When I was a QPR player I had to go training on Christmas Day. I drove an hour and a half into training, trained for 45 minutes and then drove back home again. And when I put on the car radio, Chris Rea was singing Driving Home For Christmas, which was brilliant.

IDEAL CHRISTMAS PRESENT?

I just want health and happiness for everyone who deserves it. It's a wonderful world, it's a wonderful life and it's just a shame that horrible things happen sometimes.

I really get saddened by the attitudes of some human beings. And why should there be starvation in the world these days when we're all so sophisticated?

Why should there be wars? Why is this still happening if we're a civilised group of people? I just want peace and happiness for everyone.

CHRISTMAS DINNER

We'll be having a traditional Christmas dinner. I shall look forward to preparing it all on Christmas Eve with my good lady, Kim.

We've done it for a few years now and we have a little tot of whisky after we've finished it all. We've got a lovely Marks and Sparks turkey this year with bacon all over. A turkey crown I think it's called.

Roast turkey
Uh-oh, too late!

I do feel guilty every year, though - I'm glad I'm not a turkey! What a horrible thing if you suddenly realised you were a turkey and it's November.

You see yourself in a reflection in the farmyard and you think 'God I'm a turkey and it's nearly Christmas!' What a horrendous thing to realise.

Before I go, I'd just like to wish everyone a great Christmas. HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO EVERYBODY! YOURS IN FOOTBALL, HO HO HO!

Nice to have someone in football who doesn't talk in cliches.

Next installation:

d like to get even busier. The transfer window is crazy - it doesn't make sense. It's like your car breaking down in October and you can't go and repair it until January.

In the past if I've needed a player at any time I could have gone out there very calmly, rung a few clubs and got one. We're still playing games during that time, so we're risking injury to our players.

Now, when you ring up about someone in January, you find everybody else is in the hat for them.

I've been at Leicester seven weeks. We invested up to £2m in DJ Campbell and I haven't had him in any of those games that we've played. He hasn't been fit.

Thank God he trained Thursday morning - hallelujah! He was on the pitch, he had his boots on, I couldn't believe it.

Broken-down car
I'll bring it back in January, sir

But how the hell are you supposed to know who's going to be injured? I mean what are we, clairvoyants as well?

You think that every week when someone says: "How are we going to get on today?"

That's the most-asked question ever of a supporter to a manager - "All right Ollie, how are we going to get on today?" - "Er, I don't know!"

STACKING AND RACKING

Who is this transfer window supposed to benefit, the young players? I heard Tony Cottee talking about that on the telly the other day and I was shouting: "What are you on about, Tone?!"

Because the talented young players have all been nicked and stacked and racked at the four best clubs in the land. Even Everton are getting in on the act. They bought young Danny Gosling from Plymouth and David Moyes said he was 'one for the future'.

So they buy them all and won't loan them out. They've all got massive squads - I think Man Utd have got 75 players - so how the hell are they ever going to play them all?

I've just had to get two Hungarians because I can't get the best English players - they're all tucked away at 15, 16. And when you've got a transfer window in place these clubs aren't going to loan them out.

Arsene Wenger keeps his and bloods them in these other competitions, which is great, but then he's got another whole team of youngsters under that one that he won't loan out.

I should be able to borrow God knows who from somewhere else so they can play in the Championship instead of in the reserves and academy teams, which are holding them all back.

Dearie, dearie me, the whole thing's gone mad. Who's going to wake up one morning and say "Whoa, wait a minute, that is dramatically wrong, it's not working, so why don't we just go back to what they did in England before, which was fantastic."?

Welcome to the mad world! Caused by Fifa or Uefa or whoever it is - what an absolute joke.

BYE BYE BIG SAM

Oh yeah you can build a club from top to bottom in eight months, can't you?

They've judged Big Sam on what the first team are doing. It's the structure he was trying to put in place, like he did at Bolton, that really matters.

Having said that, he didn't really have the chemistry with the fans from the start, did he? It wasn't looking like a good marriage from day one.

His ego will be smarting but that man is a fantastic manager. What he did at Bolton was superb, I think he would have been superb at Newcastle, too, given time.

Sam Allardyce
Wham bam thank you Sam

But how many times has he had Michael Owen available to him since he's been there? And should we really be judging him after a handful of games? What is going on?

The thing is, if you're on a dodgy wicket anyway with football fans on the telly screaming and shouting "You don't know what you're doing", then it all gets blown out of proportion. Plus the fact he wasn't the chairman's pick.

But for me he's still the same manager who was in the running to be England boss. What he did at Bolton was absolutely outstanding - and they have struggled like hell since he's been gone, no matter what Mr Gartside says.

WHO WOULD YOU LEAVE YOUR WIFE NAKED WITH?

David Beckham said this week he trusts Gary Neville so much he would leave him in a room with wife Victoria naked.

I'd probably leave my wife naked with my chief scout Gary Penrice - but he's the only one I would. That's how well I know him and it's great to have one real good mate.

To be fair, I don't think my wife would be naked with anybody anyway - she hardly ever gets naked with me! I don't blame her really, with a face like mine.

And I've nearly had a divorce because I'm speaking to Penrice more than I am to her. I actually forgot her birthday last Saturday, which is absolutely unforgivable.

Gary Penrice in his playing days
Does Mrs H know about this?

She got up and made me a cup of tea in the morning and I said 'What date is it today?' and she said 'It's my birthday'. I thought it was the fifth and unfortunately it was the sixth so I was in deep, deep trouble.

I don't know if she's forgiven me yet - I can still see some burning embers of hatred.

PUNTER'S QUESTION

dazzlingTyke33: "Hi Ollie, I remember years ago going to watch QPR play Middlesbrough at their old Ayresome Park Ground. During the match, Gary Penrice was injured, came off and then tried to run the injury off on the sidelines. He failed, was substituted, and the following day was diagnosed with a broken leg. He's the only person I know who has tried to run off a broken leg!"

That was true. I missed that game and there's a little story to it.

We'd played Swindon on the Tuesday at home and won 3-0. I was giving Gary a lift home and he made stop because he wanted to get a chicken burger. I said I didn't want one but he was saying "no, we've gotta get one".

Anyway, I stopped and he came back with a burger for me and him, despite me telling him three times that I didn't want one. So I ate it and ended up with food poisoning.

Gary was laughing at me because I lost a stone in a week and he came round on the Friday before they travelled to Middlesbrough, laughing and joking.

He left me some grapes and was saying "You look with a nose with eyes, Ol!" because I'd lost so much weight.

On the Saturday, John Gittins missed the ball and volleyed Gary's leg and it turned out it was broken.

So on the Sunday morning I went round to his house, laughing, and brought him some grapes and said: "Who's the lucky one - I'm glad I ate that burger!"

PUNTER'S QUESTION II

Pressure_drop: "Just finished reading your autobiography, which I really enjoyed. I'm surprised you didn't mention your nickname at Wimbledon - 'Stinger' I believe? Care to enlighten us? I know it's true as your old mate Vaughan Jones told me!"

Stinger...yes, I didn't think there was anything funny about that. I'd only been at Wimbledon a week. We were having a game of head tennis - me, Glyn Hodges and Kevin Gage - and the ball went into nettles, as they called them.

John Nettles
Introducing John Stingers...

Hodgey went to run in there in his shorts to get it and I shouted: "Mind out for them stingers!" They literally started rolling on the floor laughing. They kept saying "what did you say?" and I said: "Stingers - watch out for them stingers!"

So I went in, got a bit of wood and got the ball out, looked round and they're still rolling on the floor laughing.

In Bristol we don't call them nettles, we call them stingers. But every time I see Dave Bassett, even now, he still says: "'Ello Stinger!" These Londoners, they're a bit different.

Good reads flood. Keep 'em coming.

This weeks:

THE RETURN OF KEVIN KEEGAN

It's absolutely marvelllous to see Kevin back. Personally I feel a little bit for Sam Allardyce because I still believe he's a very, very good manager who wasn't given long enough.

But when you've got a ghost of someone like that in your closet who the fans love, you're just banging your head against a brick wall.

It'll be great for Kev if it goes well. He's got a big job on his hands but his personality's absolutely massive and he's really lifted that place already so good luck to him.

Kevin Keegan
Keegan's football will make your hair stand on end

He's great, the way he played, what he achieved in his career. Fantastic.

I've only met him a couple of times so I can't say I know him personally, but he bought Barry Hayles off me from Bristol Rovers when he was at Fulham, and for me that summed him up.

No-one else had really heard of Barry Hayles, Kevin was expected to get promoted at Fulham and he came to watch him when we had a bad game.

I said "Why are you buying him?" and he said "I just loved his hunger". That sums up Kevin Keegan. He played with enthusiasm, hunger and desire all his life. Absolutely outstanding.

HOLLOWAY VS KEEGAN

Enthusiasm, hunger and desire - that sounds like you - Ed.

Ha ha, you pillock! You can't talk about me in the same breath as Kevin Keegan, you great numpty! What's the matter with you?

He was twice European footballer of the year - you must have been on the booze, mate! Holy mackerel!

Plus he's got a full head of hair and I haven't got any - what more do you want? I wish mine was grey like his - at least you can tint it up with that Grecian 2000 stuff.

LEICESTER NEW BOYS ON SONG

Yes there were five of them altogether against Coventry - I had to introduce them to each other before the game!

It's always good to see your new ones settling in early doors and my two new strikers, Steve Howard and Barry Hayles, both nicked a goal. Barry came off the bench, which shows we've got a bit of strength in depth.

And the young left-winger I got from Hungary, Zsolt Laczko, was absolutely outstanding and got a standing ovation when he came off.

I'd be happy if we could get another six, seven or eight wins - in a row. I don't want much, do I? It's all about confidence and they did really well last week, so now we've got to try and kick on.

TOM HANKS IS A VILLA FAN

Hollywood actor declares his love for the Villans because he likes the name.

He can't help it - he was on that island for a couple of years, wasn't he? Must do your head in being on your own for that long. He was talking to that bloke, Wilson, who was a football. He's lost the plot, that bloke.

CELEBRITY LEICESTER FANS

I haven't met any of them, but Kasabian are big fans. They were at the game the other day and were very impressed by how we played apparently. As long as I can keep them happy, I won't have a problem!

Cheers, Ollie!

I've got a list of other Leicester fans, according to the Famous Football Supporters website - give us your views on them - Ed:

Mark Morrison: Return Of The Mac, great tune that is. When's he returning - is he going to be let out of prison soon? Oh, he is out. Well good luck to him.

Nicholas Parsons: Is he a fan?! Is he still around? Actually I've just been told he is, he's 84 apparently, so sorry about that Nicholas!

Englebert Humperdinck: Englebert Humperdinck is a Leicester fan?! I tell you what, heart-throb of the 60s he was. Women used to melt when he walked on stage.

That'll do me if he's a Leicester fan. It would be superb to get him down for a game, I'd have to tell my mum!

PUNTER'S QUESTION

BeckaPAFC: "Hi Ollie. I was angry at you for how you left Argyle, but now I realise what you said is true. You said we simply could not hold on to our best players, and look what's happened, Sylvan Ebanks-Blake is gone and we're struggling to hold on to David Norris.

"Do you think a small team with minimal financial backing like Plymouth could ever get to the play-offs, with big teams like Wolves coming in and buying our best players?"

Yes I think you can if your team's good enough. All I will say is that players who've done well at that level will eventually move on and get the realistic money they deserve. And if the smaller club can't pay it, they could be in trouble eventually.

If you look at Colchester last year, they had a great season and looked like they might get in the play-offs. But then in the summer they lost seven of their players to other clubs. That's the way it goes I'm afraid.

If clubs like that are going to do it, their best chance is to do it in that one season before they lose their better players.

PUNTER'S QUESTION II

Lesta_i_die: "Firstly as a season-ticket holder at the Walker's, the match against Coventry was one the best performances I have seen by Leicester since the O'Neill days. I was wondering if you are going to take an interest in the Leicester Riders basketball team, as you did with the Plymouth Raiders. They need all the support they can get at the minute."

I would love to. How good are they - and how good's their mascot?

Plymouth Raiders mascot, Foxy
He's a sly one that Foxy

The Raiders mascot, Foxy, was just unbelievable. He used to do a slam-dunk off a trampoline at least 20m from the basket. He was a fruitcake.

I've really got into basketball and I'd love to go along and see the Riders but their mascot's got a lot to live up to. Foxy used to climb over the seats and nick people's handbags. Crazy.

PUNTER'S QUESTION III

Graydjames: "Love your column, Ian, and as a Leicester season-ticket holder I now feel I have even more reason to follow it. Just wanted to say that everyone I know calls stinging nettles "stingers" and a quick survey here at work has proved it. I think it's the Crazy Gang who were the odd balls not you."

(nb: Last week Ollie revealed he was nicknamed 'Stinger' while at Wimbledon because that's what he called nettles.)

Thank you very much for that, I always knew that - that's the only thing that ever kept me going. I knew the Crazy Gang were that mad, it must have been them. But I'm still called 'Stinger' today because of it - unreal.

Apparently loads of people have written in from all parts of the country to say they call nettles stingers, apart from Londoners - must be all that smog playing havoc with their imaginations!

PLYMOUTH FANS AT LEICESTER

I don't know what to expect. I had some terrible letters after I left Plymouth but recently I've had some nice ones from Argyle fans.

But does it really matter? When you're getting dogs' abuse from your own supporters, that's when you've got a problem.

I've been fortunate to go back and be welcomed at Bristol Rovers, I've been more than welcomed at QPR for the job I tried to do there and I hope one day that Plymouth say the same to me.

But I'm looking forward to the game. It's not about me, it's about two clubs playing each other looking for three points.

BLACKPOOL SOUR

Leicester beaten by Seasiders after last-minute strike.

I'm disapppointed we haven't managed to win two games in a row yet this year.

I think the lads deserve it, we've worked really hard and we were a bit fortunate ourselves against Palace, which could easily have been a draw.

So we knew how it felt to win like that, but to be honest I couldn't see Blackpool doing the same thing to us.

We were on top after we equalised but you have to give them credit. They brought on a subsitute, our old player Paul Dickov, and he scored. Now we've got to dust ourselves down and try to get three points on Saturday.

WHO WAS THAT MASKED MAN?

Leicester fan site urging supporters to print off Holloway masks and wear them to the Plymouth game.

Ian Holloway mask
Don't have nightmares....

Well what a scary sight that would be! It's hard enough for me looking in the mirror every day, but for that lot to put those on - they'll scare people to death. Guy Fawkes has got nothing on me.

So it's just my face with the eyes cut out? Oh my goodness gracious me.

As I said, it's been hard enough for me staring at this fizzog * all my life, without seeing hundreds of me walking about!
* That's 'boat race' to you and me - Ed.

WORLD FOOTBALL

Premier League proposal to play one additional league match abroad.

I think it's a load of rubbish. How can you ask football fans to go all that way? It's just about the money.

I hope the fans are allowed to have their view and it's listened to. I'm not having that, I don't like that idea. Go and have a two-week break and play an exhibition game or something.

They're saying it's to promote the Premier League but the Premier League's shown all over the world anyway!

A colleague of mine suggested an alternative would be to play the Charity Shield in a different country every year. Ed.
Ray Parlour and Kanu with Charity Shield in 1999
They say charity begins at home...

That's a good idea, in fact it's a great idea. Who thought up that? He sounds like a clever fella, a bit of a boffin. He must have been teacher's pet when he was at school!

His name's Andy Fraser. Ed.

Well done Andy, you busy devil! Top of the class - what a creep!

THE BEAUTIFUL GAME

Ghana striker Junior Agogo was offered a wife after getting his side into the Africa Cup of Nations semi-final. An 82-year-old fan turned up at the team's hotel and promised his "very beautiful grand-daughter" to him.

Good gracious me, now there's a bonus! Has Junior Agogo already got a wife? If so, what's she going to say about that?!

Imagine that, taking another wife back home with him. "Hello love, this is what I won when I was away!" Fancy being moaned at twice - I don't think I could take that!

But that is a pay packet and a half, isn't it? Although you might have some difficulty getting her into a brown envelope.

GRANGE HILL TO SHUT AFTER 30 YEARS

I was a big fan back in the day - Zammo and all that. I remember that drugs storyline which we all thought was terrible but would never become a reality and yet look at the world now.

But those kids never seemed to grow up did they? I wonder if they still look the same now?

It was a good programme and I've got that music in my head now. I don't know who wrote it but it's a damn good tune.

I also liked Byker Grove - the most aggressive show ever. By-ker Grooooo-ve - that music scared you when you first heard it and you'd turn over straight away.

PUNTER'S QUESTION
Wormulus: "Ollie,I was wondering if you could give my team a bit of a lift. I lead a team of street fundraisers for The National Deaf Children's Society but I'm running low on good material for my team talks. What can I tell them to keep them going through wind and rain?

Well they're doing a fantastic job. I was with the GB deaf football team last Saturday and they were fantastic company. I'm going to be their patron.

It was an uplifting experience but it breaks your heart to see the lack of recognition they get. They've won their Olympics (the Deaflympics) six times and were runners-up in the European Championships last year, and yet no-one's ever heard of them.

They've been told they've got to join the Paralympics. Why? They're deaf. Their Olympics has been going for years but it's just not recognised. I don't understand it. How can you fail to exist in the government's eyes?

Britain's European Championship silver medallists (from Hadley DSA website)
Britain's deaf footballers have done us proud

I'm going to be banging the drum and Gordon Brown's going to be hearing from me, I can assure you.

It was a great night last Saturday - girls totally deaf dancing on stage to the music in perfect time. They couldn't hear it but they could feel the vibrations. Just because you can't hear something doesn't mean you've got to feel sorry for yourself.

And to the people on the streets, keep smiling and make sure you wrap up warm because what you're doing warms a lot of people's hearts.

ENGLAND'S NEW REGIME

You compare the deaf team to our national team and the sorry state we're in. They're overpaid, over-rated and basically we're not that good.

If they're not careful, the paying public are going to fall out of love with them the way they're behaving.

But at last we've got a bloke in Fabio Capello who's going to inject a bit of discipline into them. You're not going to mess with him, are you? It's a shame we couldn't get an English manager, but all due respect to him.

The players have been acting like 15ft budgies - what do they do, anything they like. It's just disgusting.

The gulf between the ordinary person on the street and some of these players now is quite obscene. And they need to get a reality check because are they really that good?

Compare that to our deaf team - no-one's aware of them and yet they've won the Olympics six times and come second in the European Championship, which we couldn't even qualify for.

PUNTER'S QUESTION II
Lesta gansta: Hi Ollie, You recently missed your wife's birthday, but survived to tell the tale. I personally would have been strung up by by unmentionables!

Don't forget it's Valentine's Day soon! My question is this, should I go out and treat the missus or is Valentine's Day an excuse for businesses to rob us of our hard-earned cash by forcing us to be romantic every 14 February?

I listened to a very clever woman the other day. She said instead of buying your loved one a card you should make one because it means more. And instead of taking her out for a meal you should make an effort and cook her one.

And there was another thing, which I've completely forgotten - I've got this terrrible habit of forgetting things at the moment. I'm 44 now and I think senility is creeping in!

In answer to your question, I don't want to be forced to be romantic but you've got to have some romance in your life so why not give her a good day?

I've got to give my wife a good day for all the rubbish ones I've given her most of her life! Poor woman.

I'm not sure about the cooking but I'm definitely going to make her a card (hopefully she won't read this) - and not because I'm a cheapskate either!

I cannot believe I got so wrapped up in doing my job that I actually forgot her birthday, which is horrific, You can never really get over that, can you?

I was in the middle of a busy transfer window but that's no excuse is it? I'm still in the doghouse now!

PUNTER'S QUESTION III
Mudmama: "You asked for manager lookalikes - what about this... separated at birth - Fabio Capello and Dennis the Menace."

Ha ha ha! Yeah, if he grows his hair a bit longer and walks out in a big stiff breeze wearing a red and black stripy jumper, I can see that one.

We'd have to get him a little Gnasher as well. Anyone sent in any more? Martin Jol's definitely Shrek, isn't he?

ARE YOU FEELING THE HEAT AT LEICESTER?

No I'm feeling pretty cold, really!

Some of the papers are saying my job's under threat - well it always is, isn't it? I suggest they come up with something a bit cleverer than that.

You've only got to look at my chairman's record - you could have said that when I first got the job - but I've outlasted everybody else here this season so far!

Anybody can manage a football club when you're winning, I was brought here to try and sort it out when we were losing. No-one wants us to be here but we are, so we've got to deal with it.

Cucumber
Ollie's this cool

Whatever happens, happens in life. You're looking for your team to gain some strength, even in adversity.

It's swings and roundabouts - we've scored three goals in the last three games that have been disallowed. We lost two games a few months ago where the referee wrote an apology to us for getting two decisions wrong, which cost us goals and games.

But that's just the way things go in life and I'm not feeling the heat - I'm ice cold and ready to go.

BAD RUN

We lost three games in 10 days, which after beating Crystal Palace was an unbelievable shock really.

Away at Blackpool we let one in in the last minute which seems to have wobbled everybody. But these lads need to stop wobbling and sort their lives out. Then we lost to Plymouth which was pretty shocking.

Leicester drummer
Leicester are sick of being beaten

Next up is Norwich at home, who are doing all right, then Coventry away and Preston at home.

I've got to target three wins from those three games. That's what we need and that's what we're after.

After beating Palace we started thinking we can beat anyone, but unfortunately in this division you can also be beaten by anybody.

If we get two wins in a row we won't be sat where we are at the moment. Anybody can do anything in this division and we've just get to get out of the run we're on at the moment.

BORING, BORING LEICESTER?

Some Leicester fans said they were unhappy with some of the football being played.

So was I against Plymouth, but I wasn't unhappy with the football we played against Watford the other night and I haven't been unhappy with a lot of the other stuff we've played.

Against Plymouth it was a late kick-off on the telly, our lads saw the other results - with everybody else down there winning.

After they got a goal, we just played the ball towards Steven Howard's head, which I've never told them to do.

Target
Ollie is targeting neat football

So the other day I got a target off the internet and put it on Howard's head in training. And then I moved it from his forehead, to his chest, to his thigh and said 'hang on a minute, I want you lot to play football'.

So I've banned them from hitting any long free-kicks from anywhere other than the last 25m.

Some people can't cope under pressure - seeing that result, seeing how the crowd were to me, I think it wobbled my team.

But they showed great character to do what they did against Watford the other day. Unfortunately we let a goal in against 10 men. But we're not the first team to do that and it's all about the next game - that's the one that matters.

RECEPTION FROM PLYMOUTH FANS

Horrendous. Apparently it's my fault that the Titanic sank - in fact you name anything bad in the world that's happened and it's my fault according to them. But such is life.

VALENTINE'S DAY

I didn't make my wife a card in the end, I bought her one instead. I took nearly an hour choosing it, though!

We went for an Indian meal and then to see Sweeney Todd at the pictures, which I thought was a great film although my wife wasn't so keen.

Johnny Depp
Hello ladies

I'm never going to shave again after watching that. I'm going to have to grow a great big beard. I couldn't go to sleep and I couldn't even walk past the kitchen drawers without jumping out of my skin.

I tell you what though, Johnny Depp makes me sick. He's 45, a year older than me, but he's got a full head of hair and not a wrinkle in sight.

If I could look like any bloke it would be him and if I was a woman I'd be all over him like a rash!

DOLLY PARTON

Country singer Dolly Parton has postponed her forthcoming US tour because of backache. She said: "You try wagging these puppies around a while and see if you don't have back problems!"

Ha ha ha ha!!! Dearie, dearie me - I bet there's a few fellas out there who wouldn't mind helping her with that weight!

Dolly Parton
Dolly has a few things to get off her chest

My dad used to make some comments along those lines a few years ago. I think some comedian's even done a song about them.

(They're all natural apparently - Ed)

I'm quite embarrassed talking about them to be honest - I wouldn't know!

I don't know if you've noticed but people do talk about Dolly Parton's boobs as if they're people in their own right.

All I do know is that a lot of blokes, because they haven't got any, get fascinated by them. I did say jokingly a few years ago that if I had a pair myself I'd probably hardly ever go out!

PUNTER'S QUESTION

Lut0nt0wn: "You want more manager lookalikes? How about this....Baron Greenback from Dangermouse, and Avram Grant.

Absolute ringer, yeah! I think he looks like Toad of Toad Hall personally.

If anyone's got any more manager lookalikes, let's hear them.

PUNTER'S QUESTION II

Chacor (Keep the Premier League in England!: "Are you aware there's an 'Ian Holloway for Prime Minister' group on Facebook? Ollie for PM!"

No, not at all. I can't imagine why I'd ever be on Facebook, not with a face like this!

I might need the Prime Minister's job very soon, though, if the papers are right. Ha ha! I'd better get my trowel out and get ready to do a bit of gardening!

I couldn't possibly be a Prime Minister - you've got to have a high IQ so that's me out straight away.

I'd like to be an adviser to the Prime Minister, though - that would be a great job, wouldn't it? What was that programme...Yes Prime Minister - I thought that was very clever and very funny.

Margaret Thatcher and Ronald Reagan
So what do you think of Ollie, Ron?

I wonder if it is like that? I can't imagine George Bush actually thinking about what he says that much. And when old Ronnie Reagan was in charge he was like an actor reading the part.

You'd like to think they do have an input somewhere along the line, though.

I'm sure they have, I'm sure they're allowed to make their own mind up about things - I can't imagine anyone telling Maragaret Thatcher what to do - Denis certainly didn't!

PUNTER'S QUESTION III

bigrenpafc: "Hi Ollie, i was just wondering, because you love the south of England and the Plymouth area so much, would you like to leave Leicester in order to be appointed the new manager of South Brent FC? The salary is two pints of blackthorn and a scotch egg after EVERY game."

That sounds a winner, that does. I'm not sure I like Scotch eggs that much, though. If it was a pork pie with a bit of pickle on it, I'd snap that up.

That's two jobs I've been offered - Prime Minister and South Brent manager. There might be one or two other things people think I should have a go at - they could send in their suggestions.

If and when Milan makes his mind up and it goes the wrong way for me, what would they like me to do?

Isn't it amazing - we lose a couple of games and everyone's got Milan swinging the axe again!